Day 71 o el Dia sesenta uno

I carefully placed the batteries into the recorder and tickled with excitement as I pushed the buttons to record. My recorder had worked swell after all. As I heard my voice on the other end talk out loud, I became aware and awed. I knew what I needed to work on now that I spoke the sentences outloud in spanish. My rrrr's needed work and words needed speed. But I was pleasently surprised at myself to hear how well I sounded. I had that Boricua sabor sprinkled on it. Hey, I thought, this is fun! I have been doing that now for 3 nights, right before I go to bed. Habits are formed, they just don't happen. So now it becomes apart of my routine. Although I work two jobs and squeeze in anytime I can find, it is still a challenge. Remembering how to say certain things and getting stuck, mental blocks. I try and am faithful to the learning process. Poco a poco.

"Rafael, I'm going to your church on Wednesday."
It was Tuesday evening at the real estate office. My co-agent was happy to hear that I wanted to go to his church. It was La Iglesia Bautista Hispana de Hollywood. The little quaint church sat on a side street in Hollywood with doors open, ready to service. It was all spanish and understood bits and peices. I said to Rafael, "You are going to have to translate this." Oracion he told me is to be in prayer. I understood "Por Gloria de Jesus" y "Bendiciones" y "Gracias a Dios" y "Gracias Senor". It was a different experience. Singing canciones en esapnol to Praise the almighty. The words fell easy on my tongue and my mouth knew how to shape them. At least I knew how to read and pronounce the words, of course not understanding some, but proud that I understood most of the song. We gathered in groups of prayer and an older lady started praying in Spanish aloud, while I kneeled at the bench and bowed my head in prayer. I prayed some in spanish and most in english. God knew I was trying and he showed me. As I prayed, an uncontrolable gentle sway came over my entire body. I didn't open my eyes, just a slight, and there was no one moving the bench and no earthquake. I let the Holy Ghost proceed. It was a swaying, nothing forceful. My forehead became hot within an instant and then went. I knew this new church had a strong presense with the Lord. The Holy Spirit was really on me and knew it wanted me to know it was listening. As we finished, I felt touched. Our bible study was on Preparando al Soldado. When it was over we thanked everyone, a kind gentleman told me, this bible study really wasn't for you. As far as talking about evangelism goes.
"Dios te Bendiga, tenga buenas noches!"
The night had cooled like peppermint and we felt en paz. I was happy I had enough boldness to attend a Bible Study in spanish. It was fun and different. I learned that I need to really work on understanding my spanish. It is a work in progress, but when we have Faith, we have hope and trust in something we believe will work for us. Whether it be people, things, or circumstances. We all have hope in things unseen and that hope brings miracles to our lives, poco o grande. It's all now about making the time and concentrating to make it happen. Buenas noches...

Day 66 o el Dia sesentaseis

Una Vida Sin Cambio

Una paloma
takes flight in a state
of numbness as
in a coma
Bodega dreams
en la noche
keep them awake
restless
keeping
mind
what the next day
will bring
de todas las sorpresas
same time
los madrugadores
awake with traces
of worry and contempt
downtrodden and bent
left in boroughs
dreams buried deep in sorrow
work and work to no life spent
in enjoyment
quieren tomar vuelo
to another world
without fenc-es..
They dreamed one day
They believed one day
They hoped one day
They prayed that day
would come without fenc-es
e'xito y libertdad
but I guess it wasn't in
they're destiny's best
inter-est..
so they existed
es su verdad
as they were
sin cambiar
es su verdad, es su verdad..
sin cambiar

--Amber L.
copywritten 2010

Day 64 o el Dia sesentacuatro

Fasted for 6 days, even gave up cafe! The church service that week was impactful, I was full of Grace and clear visioned. I felt the weaknesses and strengths arise to the surface as if it were raining for 7 days and 7 nights on dry California land, bringing things out from deep within. It brought about a new light to my life and it's understanding. Friday, I rushed after work to the post office to see if mi musica Cristiana cds had arrived yet. Daniel Calveti's wasn't there yet but the album, "Te Dare Lo Mejor, en vivo" by Jesus Adrian Romero was there inside my mailbox. I was on my 5th day fasting, at that time and was so thrilled to listen so it could give me more of Praise. It was my journey also in learning mas espanol. Iv'e been listening to it now for a straight week and understand or have translated most of the songs. My spanish seems to be getting better! Raining all week long here in Los Angeles was high time for work and gym and home for me. It gave me focus to be alone. Here day and night alone. Sometimes so alone with several light sighs and soft breathes of sadness and longing in my chest. Women, young ladies, like myself, Latinas most certainly have a hard time being alone. A heart full of passion and care and thought. A body of movement like a slick snake and gallant and majestic like a galloping staillion. It gets hard sometimes wanting someone to love. Someone who fits me, who is my style, my taste, my match. A kind that is like a pair of well made shoes, binding and well worn, kept up through time. I long for that, but it is in God's time, since I am trusting him. If more of us made better decisions with choosing one another and with patience and sacrifice, we would find someone good eventually. We just don't take the time. We want everything quick. We feel too much. And we let our emotions lead over our mind. We are scared to be alone for too long, because, "Oh, God forbid we be alone, we might have to face ourselves" and so many really never face themselves. They keep jumping one relationship to the next, hoping to fulfill the emptiness they feel inside themselves. It never works and they always find themselves lost, searching, searching for an answer they will never find unless they take the time to know their strengths and weaknesses. I am truly happy that I am working on little things of myself that I had let go and drown in pockets of deep puddles through these years. I have found myself in Faith, not fear and have pressed forward. Things I have procrastinated throughout the years have become a thing of the past. Maxell audio cassette, recorder, Living Language Beginners book and a neon green notebook, just newly bought with unwritten pages. Inner peace, joy, an excitement, a curiosity, an unforgetting. Me, my pencil and my poetic hand ready to write mis pensamientos diarios en español .

Day 55 o el Dia cincuentacinco

Everyone has their beliefs and religions. The world is that of a mixture of flavors. We can not say what is better. For myself, renewing my faith and soul searching has helped me alot on finding who I am and doing the best with what God has given me. Understanding I am not her or him. I am a unique individual in which was made apart from another. I would'nt want to be perfect. I have faults and likes that may not find it to the religious as holy or tamed. I strive everyday now to make smarter decisions and keep a more peaceful world about me. At the beginning of the year, some start off with resolutions that help them walk towards the right direction. I, for example, am fasting for the first time. In attending a non donominational church last year, I have been pressing forth into God and knowing Jesus. It's a transition to the "sinful" world we live in to the world of Christ. I, personally feel we are all created to go to our maximum levels with Faith and what God can do with us to certain degrees. Like the climates. Some are frigid as alaska, but the people and animals are accustomed to the way of living, the environment. And others like the creatures that inhabit the Sahara Desert, the rainforests, the inner cities. Everything is from the heart, the survival, the way we deal with what is given to us. We can go high as our Faith and God allows us to go. Yesterday, being my 2nd day on the fast, with prayer and church and nothing but liquids entering my body, in my kitchen and into my laptop fell my hands. My lightbulb went on. I remembered over my freind, Margarita's house one morning, while getting ready for church, she had played this one song, La Nina de tus Ojos by Daniel Calveti. I remembered it yesterday and quickly looked it up. I played it over and over and las palabras were easy. There were just a few I had to look up. Margarita told me just what La Nina De Tus Ojos meant. the jewel or apple of your eye. Meaning the great love God and Jesus has for his believers. I loved that song so much and was also touched by the holy spirit that, I happen to be writing a blog of being Boricua, that Daniel Calveti lives and has his family and ministered in Puerto Rico! I knew God wanted me to hear that song and say..hey this is just to add to my glory and to your blog. I was overjoyed, as I have been lately to find out about this. I have Praised the Lord and he has sent me another learning tool. Since I am learning spanish through songs as it is, I am now Glorifying God and learning my missed language. God is amazing! Well then as I sung with Praise along with the song, I quickly ordered the cd without hesitation. Pues, eso es todo por ahora. I am not the preaching type, being a realist and all. We are all different. And I am not all softie by the least. I am real. I have experienced turmoil and setback and hardships in my life. Grew up being both street and book smart. Knowing both sides of the fence, never fitting in with the "popular" crowd or being an overacheiver or knowing too much like a doctor or lawyer nor did I come from a 2 parent Christian home in the suburbs with a white picket fence. My family is loud and unorthodoxed, creative. Smothered with out of control chaos and simmered down with pockets of air of peace. A mother with love and a "I don't care what you think of me" attitude and an eccentric papa. I know what the world has dealt us all and what the religious world has in it as well. We are all in this world, we just have to be who God intended us to be in it. Amen.

Day 51 o el Dia cincuentauno

Political issues, fight for equality and oppression have kept Puerto Rican's hungry and kicking. I just watched Rosie Perez' Documentary of Yo soy Boricua! Pa' Que Tu Lo Sepas! and was amazed on their fight for equal rights and their constant struggle to better themselves. The journey continues to be a long one, with the island under still, such poverty. Puerto Rican's are proud from where they came from and not confused about who they are. Sure the name "rainbow children" fit the island people. They make it known that they are Puerto Rican and nothing less. They don't let people categorize them in the sense of "well, what are you?" "Isn't that an island, it's part of the U.S." "You from here, though, oh..I see.."
It's such a challenge. Acceptance. Even as I watched this film, Rosie Perez finally felt acceptance after a long time, finding about her history, her culture and how it was like to be raised in New York where English was her dominate language. Being Boricua and proud! I am feeling more found as I reach to find my roots and curious and intrigued. I am half but I feel proud too! To be apart of such a fantastic, diverse race. Full of passion, heart and dance! It was also interesting about the history and the trials faced on human rights. The island faced so many challenges, prejudice and oppression. She talked about Pedro Albizu Campos, how he fought as Martin Luther King Jr fought for African American's in the civil rights movement. So many political figures through history fought for our rights to live in equality. From the U.S. and all over the world. It's in every one of us that there is a willing to change. I'd love to learn more about the Nuyorican Poets and read more works on Pedro Pietri, the late influential Nuyorican Poet. Here is a poem that came to me after seeing Rosie's Documentary.

Colores

No soy perfecta
no soy completa
pero
I am striving,
climbing rope
of an island blue, white, and red cloth
triangular shape
en el centro
hay una estrella que brilla
con brillance
a loud color
encased, replaced
by growing up
raised, a certain way
address
is not the definition of who I am
self
searched
laughing
enjoying
boldly going
Boricua bounty
Caucasion combinacion
come on, come on
ven, ven
let em in
mueve la
mueva con tu carazon
habla con tus ojos
risa con tu alma
live life
always wonder
always strive
show your stripes
be surprised
entonces, si no tiene miedo,
hay, hay, hay
will always be spices on the shelf...

-Amber L.

Day 48 o el dia cuarentaocho

Hola, mi gente! Ay! Estoy muy glad to be back to L.A. Yea, yea, I know the east coast is completely different. It is like night and day in comparing the two coasts. It's been awhile since I blogged so I have so much to say, but I'll keep it at a layer. After family drama, a quiet little apartment, empty with stirs of creaks and muffled voices above and outside my door, seemed like a reassuring refuge. I was home. I threw my suitcases down with a sigh of relief, almost wanting to kiss my floor. I spent two weeks in the cold and hectic madness from the Christmas drama. Where's the peace, when you got a crazy family, huh? But anyways, I am keeping that in the past. Well hey, it's a new year, the soul searching, for me is still continuing but at a much more active level. People often want to improve at once! Not allowing to coat the layers of paint properly so it can dry to a smooth finish. It is in layering that builds the texture and smoothness that you desire. As I continue my espanol journey, I write with continued new spirit. I have so many goals to accomplish and I know deep in my heart with my trust in God that he will push me along to make them happen.

Dec 26th 2009- east coast

My tia and mi gemela gathered together to have dinner at a nice restaurant that evening and we had not seen each other for a few months. We were happy.

"Your mom is never going to forgive our family."

"It's not that, Tia, it's cuz she's done with wanting anything to do with our father's side of the family. She had to raise us and she has no use to be anyone's freind. Can't you see she had a rough time and doesn't want to be associated."

"I can't say I blame her, with my brothers being players and all. But your dad really loves you girls, though. He's trying."

She was right. Mi papi had sent Christmas cards and gifts and every now and then a true heartfelt email or phonecall. He was in Florida and tried his best to communicate with us, now that he renewed a relationship with his kids. We got our hot dishes and began to chow down. It wasn't Puerto Rican food, instead a warm pizza, aroma scenting the air of sweet sauce and basil. It was good seeing her again, knowing more of a connection inside my heart with mi familia. She talked about the drama and small things about life and began illustrating the story of Los Reyes. I had just missed it by a day, Jan 5th, the tradition of Three Kings Day that begins on the eve of January 5th. She told us how the children would go outside to cut grass and place it in shoeboxes, symbolizing straw for the camels and the shoebox for the bed for baby Jesus. This was placed under the beds of family members for the camels to eat and Los Reyes to come. And during the night Los Reyes would come and the camels would eat the grass the children had left and Los Reyes would then fill the shoe boxes with gifts, and sweets, and other goodies. It is a Puerto Rican tradition to do this instead of waiting for Santa. My tia explained the Puerto Rican tradition of Navidad, and the true meaning of Christmas and how it is meant to celebrate the birth of God's son, Jesus Christ. I loved her telling us the story and sharing the tradition. Next year I am going to do that. We took photos and stood to leave out the door, leaving warm memories to linger and roots to share.

As manana approaches, new things come to light. I have a guilty pleasure of loving Shakira's music so I am now learning the lyrics to La Loba and Lo Hecho Esta Hecho. I love her poetic style and music tastes. She is truly unique and stands out from other artists. I have yet to conquer all, but like my spanish, it's pieces of the puzzle that put together a complete project. Yo me voy..I keep trucking..