el dia algo

Since March 15, I have not wrote. Life gets hectic and your off the bandwagon again. I have titled this "Day something.." for counting all the days of learning mi espanol have spilled all into one muddy puddle being stepped in everyday. To be an individual is hard at times. Not getting caught up with what everyone else is doing, being hot, following what's in and what's cool. Being a poetic spirit and being the blacksheep of my freinds, is a challenge within itself. I love that I am unique, sometimes living like a hermit or liking books and nerdy things too much. My freinds are hot latinas hustlin' everyday, paving there way. Some model and act, others work hard to pay the bills.
"Let's go out!"
Every weekend, they'd say. Temptation is so hard sometimes, when you really just want to stay in.
"Ok, where are we going tonight?"
I'd give in. Then when I'm out there, I realized, staying succluded most of the time is not a good thing. Let me be more social! Insanity cries out from within a hollow, dark echo. I love my life, my writing, my lyrical writing. So why am I not there yet? These big logs of timber roll in my path and I lose my footing. I am a strong, independent female! Jesus and my work and my gym and my freinds. I am still here in my apartment counting the days when I am paying half my rent. My lease is up and I have decided, by God's good grace that I shall find a nice room in a house that is of course, peace, quiet and private. That is when I can afford to take lessons in espanol to complete my project of Seeking La Otra Mitad. I am in and out and all over. Staying focused is my light in the fog, guiding me to learn it, to discover it, to maintain it. I am here but also there...till next time..ciao..

Day 115 o el Dia ciento quince

I don't know what the spanish sayings say about hard times and miracles and breaks, but I got one positive thing, and that's my computer back. I haven't written in the longest and a part of me felt a drift in the darkness, vague and construed, slowly drifting down the drain, giving up fighting the current. Poets are amongst the most profoundly feeling cursed people on earth. We "think" too much and are often "inside" ourselves alot. We translate every part of beauty and pain into metaphors and word pictures and paintings in our minds. Our words paint you a picture of a thought, an image, a place, the torment, the struggle, the love. My prayers fell short and I missed my laptop. and now I am back from the brink of destruction. Just a little, no, let's not go that far. But I am still on my focus and planning on how to learn more with the little time I have per week. Since working two jobs, being home often late, gives me little time to write or think straight. I love this, these words, these thoughts I am able to share out in cyber space, the culture. Not losing my roots. A Puerto Rican on the West Coast is muy differente que on the East Coast, still don't feel el sabor boricua out here on the West yet, but I'm putting together a plan. The past two weeks, Iv'e been seeing mi panna David, Mexicano, and he has been video editing and djing for years. We have been wanting together to start our music for the longest and we are starting to finally crack down and do it. I am so excited because God has opened the gates to allow me to do my music again. I still don't have a myspace or Facebook yet and feel like the only one that is writing a blog but not even have a myspace or facebook. To tell you la verdad, I don't really want to show my personal life on the internet. I'd rather have an artist page up with poetic photos and songs, an artist page. I am still learning my spanish gradually and loving it. I can't wait also to share my music with anyone who would be interested..pues, nos vemos próximo tiempo..

Day 90 o el Dia noventa

Ay Dios Mio! Por fin! Tanto tiempo! Life hands you a few cards that are hard to deal with! My laptop recently got a virus that didn't want to be removed! I tried everything and it's ka-put! I haven't been able to write for the longest, but I'm still trucking at the game. Para el dia de San Valentin I had my faithful freinds around me the whole day. Margarita barbecued for a few of us girls and we splashed around the pool like locacitas and laughed and forgot that we were without men. We had each other and at night went out with some of my other freinds who surprised me with a big red basket with a heart of candy, a stuffed animal and lotion. The card read beautiful and it made my heart at ease. All my freinds made having no "love" valentine a bigger, better valentine with alot of love. I would proudly say my mom and Jesus are my Valentine instead. As the days passed on, I am still into my books,studying away. I think I need to go deeper. A class, a one on one maestro, a more strict study habit. Yet I find myself understanding more and more everyday. Mi passion para aprender espanol is not fading! Well, todo mi gente..nos vemos..

Day 77 o el Dia sesentasiete

My eyes glazed with shimmering glitter as I looked into him, telling my story of when the hurricane touched down in Puerto Rico that one fine September. I spoke with mi papi chulo co-worker about my vacation to Puerto Rico many years back. It was my first trip being in Puerto Rico, visiting the island. It must have been 2006. I was with my ex, who was Puerto Rican, and he brought me there for one week. It's ironic how storms can add a rest and peace after it has passed. Just like in our lives. Many upheavels bring us back down, reality and appreciation of the simple things we have, los basicos, humble us again. There had been a tropical storm that knocked down telephone poles and left the water system down. We had to live without running water and electricity for the first 2 nights. Heat wasn't an issue, since Puerto Rico was so humid already. My ex's aunt was so courteous and kind. I'd finish not even half my plate and she'd come in with an overspilling spoon of more arroz con gandules.

"Ambi, you like?"

Of course my name was Amber but in Puerto Rico, there was not too many islanders named Amber. That was an American name. So I let her proceed and let her call me that.

"Si, muchas gracias para tu comida! Tan Rico! Gracias por todo!"

I tried. I listened. I followed. It was wonderful. With just the simplest things we had, candlelight and love. Who could ask for more! As the night cooled serenely, so did our plates and the coffee that was offered so many times throughout the day. That woman could do no resting. From 5 am, sunrise when the animal alarm clock rose the dead every morning, that woman was up. Breakfast, sweeping, cleaning, laundry, keeping with the chickens, dishes, garden..almost any type of chore kept that woman going. She was like a machine! Her whole life was spent in the home. Taking care of her husband and children. She loved her life in the neon tiled spanish house. She knew no other. The outside world to her was watching tv and seeing what went on through Las Noticias y las novelas y otra programas. She was content. One afternoon we took her to Denny's in Aguadilla and she was so used to serving that it was hard for her to sit there and not be the one on the serving end.

"Just relax, here, you order from the menu. Mira..aqui"

My ex spoke to her assuredly that that was the way to order food. Her eyes skipped and squinted. She didn't know how to read. A simple woman of the house, sheltered from anything else. Her body language spoke aloud of awkwardness and unsure and not used to. She was out of her element. In the simplest things that Americans in the modern age take with everyday life to just apart of, she wasn't apart of that. Restaurants were a luxury, but to her, a "can do without" on her list. She'd rather stay home and cook. The night came about and we said "Your coming with us."
I had dressed in a silky swaying skirt and top, ready to salsa and mirangue with mi novio and wore a smile ready to shine a dance floor. As we approached in our rental car, the streets were dirt and rock and horses were tied to posts in front of the club. Outside, the dancefloor had only a slab roof to cover and open all around. The band had left and the dj began playing la musica latina. We danced a few songs, and within those songs, my hair had lost all control, gel evaporated by the humid air. Mis rizos bounced light and fluffy.

"Ven, Ven, Baila conmigo!"

My ex pulled his aunt out of the chair she was planted in. Yes she was older, but she was able. She clearly then was not used to anything to do with outside her comfort zone of the home let alone a dancefloor. She tried half a song and then let me and my ex take the rest of the night. We got home and she was in bed by minutes. It's funny how people live differently. How maybe we would think of never being a homemaker for a living or tending to the housewife lifestyle. How some are business men and woman, career oriented. Others after material gain or the hippie life, not a care in the world where there backpack will land. We all live a lifestyle that we are happy with. His aunt always catered her whole life to her family. It's what drove her. It's what gave her life meaning and caring and passion. She couldn't rest for long because she didn't want to. It was part of her routine. Imagine, though, if we just all took a little time to just stop, breathe and let it all sink in. The nature, the silkyness in the breeze, the taste, the smell of what life in this world offers, the simple. The two nights without all the worldly moderns brought us back to love and enjoying the simple..

Day 71 o el Dia sesenta uno

I carefully placed the batteries into the recorder and tickled with excitement as I pushed the buttons to record. My recorder had worked swell after all. As I heard my voice on the other end talk out loud, I became aware and awed. I knew what I needed to work on now that I spoke the sentences outloud in spanish. My rrrr's needed work and words needed speed. But I was pleasently surprised at myself to hear how well I sounded. I had that Boricua sabor sprinkled on it. Hey, I thought, this is fun! I have been doing that now for 3 nights, right before I go to bed. Habits are formed, they just don't happen. So now it becomes apart of my routine. Although I work two jobs and squeeze in anytime I can find, it is still a challenge. Remembering how to say certain things and getting stuck, mental blocks. I try and am faithful to the learning process. Poco a poco.

"Rafael, I'm going to your church on Wednesday."
It was Tuesday evening at the real estate office. My co-agent was happy to hear that I wanted to go to his church. It was La Iglesia Bautista Hispana de Hollywood. The little quaint church sat on a side street in Hollywood with doors open, ready to service. It was all spanish and understood bits and peices. I said to Rafael, "You are going to have to translate this." Oracion he told me is to be in prayer. I understood "Por Gloria de Jesus" y "Bendiciones" y "Gracias a Dios" y "Gracias Senor". It was a different experience. Singing canciones en esapnol to Praise the almighty. The words fell easy on my tongue and my mouth knew how to shape them. At least I knew how to read and pronounce the words, of course not understanding some, but proud that I understood most of the song. We gathered in groups of prayer and an older lady started praying in Spanish aloud, while I kneeled at the bench and bowed my head in prayer. I prayed some in spanish and most in english. God knew I was trying and he showed me. As I prayed, an uncontrolable gentle sway came over my entire body. I didn't open my eyes, just a slight, and there was no one moving the bench and no earthquake. I let the Holy Ghost proceed. It was a swaying, nothing forceful. My forehead became hot within an instant and then went. I knew this new church had a strong presense with the Lord. The Holy Spirit was really on me and knew it wanted me to know it was listening. As we finished, I felt touched. Our bible study was on Preparando al Soldado. When it was over we thanked everyone, a kind gentleman told me, this bible study really wasn't for you. As far as talking about evangelism goes.
"Dios te Bendiga, tenga buenas noches!"
The night had cooled like peppermint and we felt en paz. I was happy I had enough boldness to attend a Bible Study in spanish. It was fun and different. I learned that I need to really work on understanding my spanish. It is a work in progress, but when we have Faith, we have hope and trust in something we believe will work for us. Whether it be people, things, or circumstances. We all have hope in things unseen and that hope brings miracles to our lives, poco o grande. It's all now about making the time and concentrating to make it happen. Buenas noches...

Day 66 o el Dia sesentaseis

Una Vida Sin Cambio

Una paloma
takes flight in a state
of numbness as
in a coma
Bodega dreams
en la noche
keep them awake
restless
keeping
mind
what the next day
will bring
de todas las sorpresas
same time
los madrugadores
awake with traces
of worry and contempt
downtrodden and bent
left in boroughs
dreams buried deep in sorrow
work and work to no life spent
in enjoyment
quieren tomar vuelo
to another world
without fenc-es..
They dreamed one day
They believed one day
They hoped one day
They prayed that day
would come without fenc-es
e'xito y libertdad
but I guess it wasn't in
they're destiny's best
inter-est..
so they existed
es su verdad
as they were
sin cambiar
es su verdad, es su verdad..
sin cambiar

--Amber L.
copywritten 2010

Day 64 o el Dia sesentacuatro

Fasted for 6 days, even gave up cafe! The church service that week was impactful, I was full of Grace and clear visioned. I felt the weaknesses and strengths arise to the surface as if it were raining for 7 days and 7 nights on dry California land, bringing things out from deep within. It brought about a new light to my life and it's understanding. Friday, I rushed after work to the post office to see if mi musica Cristiana cds had arrived yet. Daniel Calveti's wasn't there yet but the album, "Te Dare Lo Mejor, en vivo" by Jesus Adrian Romero was there inside my mailbox. I was on my 5th day fasting, at that time and was so thrilled to listen so it could give me more of Praise. It was my journey also in learning mas espanol. Iv'e been listening to it now for a straight week and understand or have translated most of the songs. My spanish seems to be getting better! Raining all week long here in Los Angeles was high time for work and gym and home for me. It gave me focus to be alone. Here day and night alone. Sometimes so alone with several light sighs and soft breathes of sadness and longing in my chest. Women, young ladies, like myself, Latinas most certainly have a hard time being alone. A heart full of passion and care and thought. A body of movement like a slick snake and gallant and majestic like a galloping staillion. It gets hard sometimes wanting someone to love. Someone who fits me, who is my style, my taste, my match. A kind that is like a pair of well made shoes, binding and well worn, kept up through time. I long for that, but it is in God's time, since I am trusting him. If more of us made better decisions with choosing one another and with patience and sacrifice, we would find someone good eventually. We just don't take the time. We want everything quick. We feel too much. And we let our emotions lead over our mind. We are scared to be alone for too long, because, "Oh, God forbid we be alone, we might have to face ourselves" and so many really never face themselves. They keep jumping one relationship to the next, hoping to fulfill the emptiness they feel inside themselves. It never works and they always find themselves lost, searching, searching for an answer they will never find unless they take the time to know their strengths and weaknesses. I am truly happy that I am working on little things of myself that I had let go and drown in pockets of deep puddles through these years. I have found myself in Faith, not fear and have pressed forward. Things I have procrastinated throughout the years have become a thing of the past. Maxell audio cassette, recorder, Living Language Beginners book and a neon green notebook, just newly bought with unwritten pages. Inner peace, joy, an excitement, a curiosity, an unforgetting. Me, my pencil and my poetic hand ready to write mis pensamientos diarios en español .

Day 55 o el Dia cincuentacinco

Everyone has their beliefs and religions. The world is that of a mixture of flavors. We can not say what is better. For myself, renewing my faith and soul searching has helped me alot on finding who I am and doing the best with what God has given me. Understanding I am not her or him. I am a unique individual in which was made apart from another. I would'nt want to be perfect. I have faults and likes that may not find it to the religious as holy or tamed. I strive everyday now to make smarter decisions and keep a more peaceful world about me. At the beginning of the year, some start off with resolutions that help them walk towards the right direction. I, for example, am fasting for the first time. In attending a non donominational church last year, I have been pressing forth into God and knowing Jesus. It's a transition to the "sinful" world we live in to the world of Christ. I, personally feel we are all created to go to our maximum levels with Faith and what God can do with us to certain degrees. Like the climates. Some are frigid as alaska, but the people and animals are accustomed to the way of living, the environment. And others like the creatures that inhabit the Sahara Desert, the rainforests, the inner cities. Everything is from the heart, the survival, the way we deal with what is given to us. We can go high as our Faith and God allows us to go. Yesterday, being my 2nd day on the fast, with prayer and church and nothing but liquids entering my body, in my kitchen and into my laptop fell my hands. My lightbulb went on. I remembered over my freind, Margarita's house one morning, while getting ready for church, she had played this one song, La Nina de tus Ojos by Daniel Calveti. I remembered it yesterday and quickly looked it up. I played it over and over and las palabras were easy. There were just a few I had to look up. Margarita told me just what La Nina De Tus Ojos meant. the jewel or apple of your eye. Meaning the great love God and Jesus has for his believers. I loved that song so much and was also touched by the holy spirit that, I happen to be writing a blog of being Boricua, that Daniel Calveti lives and has his family and ministered in Puerto Rico! I knew God wanted me to hear that song and say..hey this is just to add to my glory and to your blog. I was overjoyed, as I have been lately to find out about this. I have Praised the Lord and he has sent me another learning tool. Since I am learning spanish through songs as it is, I am now Glorifying God and learning my missed language. God is amazing! Well then as I sung with Praise along with the song, I quickly ordered the cd without hesitation. Pues, eso es todo por ahora. I am not the preaching type, being a realist and all. We are all different. And I am not all softie by the least. I am real. I have experienced turmoil and setback and hardships in my life. Grew up being both street and book smart. Knowing both sides of the fence, never fitting in with the "popular" crowd or being an overacheiver or knowing too much like a doctor or lawyer nor did I come from a 2 parent Christian home in the suburbs with a white picket fence. My family is loud and unorthodoxed, creative. Smothered with out of control chaos and simmered down with pockets of air of peace. A mother with love and a "I don't care what you think of me" attitude and an eccentric papa. I know what the world has dealt us all and what the religious world has in it as well. We are all in this world, we just have to be who God intended us to be in it. Amen.

Day 51 o el Dia cincuentauno

Political issues, fight for equality and oppression have kept Puerto Rican's hungry and kicking. I just watched Rosie Perez' Documentary of Yo soy Boricua! Pa' Que Tu Lo Sepas! and was amazed on their fight for equal rights and their constant struggle to better themselves. The journey continues to be a long one, with the island under still, such poverty. Puerto Rican's are proud from where they came from and not confused about who they are. Sure the name "rainbow children" fit the island people. They make it known that they are Puerto Rican and nothing less. They don't let people categorize them in the sense of "well, what are you?" "Isn't that an island, it's part of the U.S." "You from here, though, oh..I see.."
It's such a challenge. Acceptance. Even as I watched this film, Rosie Perez finally felt acceptance after a long time, finding about her history, her culture and how it was like to be raised in New York where English was her dominate language. Being Boricua and proud! I am feeling more found as I reach to find my roots and curious and intrigued. I am half but I feel proud too! To be apart of such a fantastic, diverse race. Full of passion, heart and dance! It was also interesting about the history and the trials faced on human rights. The island faced so many challenges, prejudice and oppression. She talked about Pedro Albizu Campos, how he fought as Martin Luther King Jr fought for African American's in the civil rights movement. So many political figures through history fought for our rights to live in equality. From the U.S. and all over the world. It's in every one of us that there is a willing to change. I'd love to learn more about the Nuyorican Poets and read more works on Pedro Pietri, the late influential Nuyorican Poet. Here is a poem that came to me after seeing Rosie's Documentary.

Colores

No soy perfecta
no soy completa
pero
I am striving,
climbing rope
of an island blue, white, and red cloth
triangular shape
en el centro
hay una estrella que brilla
con brillance
a loud color
encased, replaced
by growing up
raised, a certain way
address
is not the definition of who I am
self
searched
laughing
enjoying
boldly going
Boricua bounty
Caucasion combinacion
come on, come on
ven, ven
let em in
mueve la
mueva con tu carazon
habla con tus ojos
risa con tu alma
live life
always wonder
always strive
show your stripes
be surprised
entonces, si no tiene miedo,
hay, hay, hay
will always be spices on the shelf...

-Amber L.

Day 48 o el dia cuarentaocho

Hola, mi gente! Ay! Estoy muy glad to be back to L.A. Yea, yea, I know the east coast is completely different. It is like night and day in comparing the two coasts. It's been awhile since I blogged so I have so much to say, but I'll keep it at a layer. After family drama, a quiet little apartment, empty with stirs of creaks and muffled voices above and outside my door, seemed like a reassuring refuge. I was home. I threw my suitcases down with a sigh of relief, almost wanting to kiss my floor. I spent two weeks in the cold and hectic madness from the Christmas drama. Where's the peace, when you got a crazy family, huh? But anyways, I am keeping that in the past. Well hey, it's a new year, the soul searching, for me is still continuing but at a much more active level. People often want to improve at once! Not allowing to coat the layers of paint properly so it can dry to a smooth finish. It is in layering that builds the texture and smoothness that you desire. As I continue my espanol journey, I write with continued new spirit. I have so many goals to accomplish and I know deep in my heart with my trust in God that he will push me along to make them happen.

Dec 26th 2009- east coast

My tia and mi gemela gathered together to have dinner at a nice restaurant that evening and we had not seen each other for a few months. We were happy.

"Your mom is never going to forgive our family."

"It's not that, Tia, it's cuz she's done with wanting anything to do with our father's side of the family. She had to raise us and she has no use to be anyone's freind. Can't you see she had a rough time and doesn't want to be associated."

"I can't say I blame her, with my brothers being players and all. But your dad really loves you girls, though. He's trying."

She was right. Mi papi had sent Christmas cards and gifts and every now and then a true heartfelt email or phonecall. He was in Florida and tried his best to communicate with us, now that he renewed a relationship with his kids. We got our hot dishes and began to chow down. It wasn't Puerto Rican food, instead a warm pizza, aroma scenting the air of sweet sauce and basil. It was good seeing her again, knowing more of a connection inside my heart with mi familia. She talked about the drama and small things about life and began illustrating the story of Los Reyes. I had just missed it by a day, Jan 5th, the tradition of Three Kings Day that begins on the eve of January 5th. She told us how the children would go outside to cut grass and place it in shoeboxes, symbolizing straw for the camels and the shoebox for the bed for baby Jesus. This was placed under the beds of family members for the camels to eat and Los Reyes to come. And during the night Los Reyes would come and the camels would eat the grass the children had left and Los Reyes would then fill the shoe boxes with gifts, and sweets, and other goodies. It is a Puerto Rican tradition to do this instead of waiting for Santa. My tia explained the Puerto Rican tradition of Navidad, and the true meaning of Christmas and how it is meant to celebrate the birth of God's son, Jesus Christ. I loved her telling us the story and sharing the tradition. Next year I am going to do that. We took photos and stood to leave out the door, leaving warm memories to linger and roots to share.

As manana approaches, new things come to light. I have a guilty pleasure of loving Shakira's music so I am now learning the lyrics to La Loba and Lo Hecho Esta Hecho. I love her poetic style and music tastes. She is truly unique and stands out from other artists. I have yet to conquer all, but like my spanish, it's pieces of the puzzle that put together a complete project. Yo me voy..I keep trucking..

Day 35 o el Dia treintacinco

Feliz Navidad a todo! For Navidad being tomorrow. I wanted to share one more villancico contigo. This song everyone knows, and a great tune! Feliz Navidad. This singer/songwriter is Puerto Rican and grew up in Spanish Harlem, redifining his talents without sight, from the 70's became famous, sharing his music in every household. Dios bendice sus familias y mucha falicidad! Enjoy this song and this miraculous season!

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom- of my heart.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

by Jose Feliciano

Day 28 o el Dia veinteocho

Hola y saludos! Wow! How time flies as the end of another year approaches! I am packing my things and getting ready for my flight in the morning from LAX to Boston. I think of this year as a one that has given me renewed faith, new beginnings and peace, oh such glorious peace! One can be lost out in the wilderness, be misplaced in a storm, even confused as a mysterious plot. We can all appreciate when we are found again, when things come to order, when we feel in our path, indented in our bones, that we are back again. I am happy to say, that my writing and reading have been such comfort and joy in my life recently that I am enthusiastic everytime it is that time to write or read. I was put out for so long and needed just a simple spark to ignite me again. I am happy to share, with whom ever is out there, my blog and Seeking La Otra Mitad. I would like to continue honoring this Christmas holiday and since I am flying home tomorrow, then I think this next villancicos is appropriate! Familia es todo! Feliz Navidad!

Estare' en mi casa esta Navidad

Estaré en mi casa
Esta Navidad

Tú serás la nieve y yo
El fuego de tu hogar

Con la Noche Buena
Llegará el amor

Quiero estar contigo
Al menos con el corazón
Tú serás la nieve y yo
El fuego de tu hogar

Con la Noche Buena
Llegará el amor

Quiero estar contigo
Al menos con el corazón
Estaré en mi casa
Al menos con el corazón.

Day 23 o el Dia veintetres

Just as the days of Deciembre go by quickly and each year goes by and comes faster, we have less and less time and need to occupy it efficiently. I have dedicated este mes to el espiritu de la Navidad in my soul searching. I watched a classic cartoon last night that sung Holy Night in english and knew there was one in espanol. It got my mind starving. I had a craving and the light bulb went off in the closet! Aha! I will choose spanish songs de la Navidad and learn them and start to translate some of the words. This is another great way to add to my project. I was embarassed to find out I had never heard of Noche de Paz before in spanish, and of course coming from an english speaking dominated world, I would have to discover and enjoy on my own. I am like a snow globe of Puerto Rico, all room temperature inside, and shooken up when I hear these villancicos! I get warm like a roasted chestnut and toasty as if I was cuddled up next to a warm fireplace. Ok so tonight I shall leave you with Noche de Paz..enjoy y buenas noches!

Noche de Paz

Noche de paz, noche de amor,
Todo duerme en derredor.
Entre los astros que esparcen su luz
Bella anunciando al niñito Jesús
Brilla la estrella de paz
Brilla la estrella de paz.

Noche de paz, noche de amor,
Todo duerme en derredor
Sólo velan en la oscuridad
Los pastores que en el campo están;
Y la estrella de Belén
Y la estrella de Belén.

Noche de paz, noche de amor,
Todo duerme en derredor;
sobre el santo niño Jesús
Una estrella esparce su luz,
Brilla sobre el Rey
Brilla sobre el Rey.

Noche de paz, noche de amor,
Todo duerme en derredor
Fieles velando allí en Belén
Los pastores, la madre también.
Y la estrella de paz
Y la estrella de paz.

Day 20 o el Dia veinte

It is day 20 that I am keeping record of Seeking La Otra Mitad. I have to say that I am excited more and more everyday as a spring monkey swinging branch to branch in El Yunque Rainforest. This blog is helping me apply myself in getting intouch with my roots, wanting it, learning it more. Finding facts, learning words, discovering things I hadn't known before and sharing bits and pieces of my rememberance growing up. I am a bit behind though, busy schedule and having a life too..but I am on the examen of the 5 chapters I have studied in the Living Language book. And I find myself applying what I have learned when I am out in the world, around my latino freinds, stores or hearing conversations in espanol in the streets. Iv'e learned two songs in spanish and can sing them effectively. I have not the complete pieces yet to put sentences together or started to speak with mis amigos yet, since they know me speaking only a handful of words with them. I plan to take a notebook and role play with mis amigos still. Finding time is as careful as selecting a ripe platano. It has to be just right. I did speak with mi tia tonight and I shared my newfound excitement about not losing touch with my roots. She described a painting of a beautiful woman. Her body was curvaceous and her bottom were roots. One root showed a woman of African decent, the other a European, Spaniard with blue eyes and then the Taino woman. All these women made a beautiful woman all in one. And when you think about it, alot of races are mixed. It is what we identify with. What we feel. How we are. Our tones and manneririsms. Our way of thinking, our interests. It's a beautiful thing, embracing what we are made of.
It was raining cats and dogs today here in L.A. I thought of Puerto Rico. Back to the time when I had visited the island with a boyfreind at the time, How moist and how sweet the air was. How the earth and palm leaves threw an island aroma in the air. Of that time I had once visited the island in one summery September when a tropical storm hit and we lost power and water. How exciting it was to wash myself with a bucket of water and to see through the dark by candlelight. It was like truly being back in the day on a farm. We ate by candle light out side with the roosters pecking and heckling by our feet and watching trees move by invisible creatures and settling softly in peace. Enjoying the melodies and tunes played by the nocturnal musicians of the island. Listening, smiling, allowing time to drift and float...

Day 16 o el Dia dieciseis

The cardboard picture book lay held by strong aged hands. Mi abuela was teaching mi gamela y yo el alfabeto en espanol. We were about 5. It's funny how little you can be with a mind to store certain times in your young life, certain events. Like storage, it is never ruined or gone unless the building that holds the stuff is knocked down or destroyed, or someone steals it. That moment, I remember hearing the insistent voice of abuela reading aloud as if she were commanding a small army.
"Say it with me now...ah..bey..cey..che.."
Mi gamela and I were so shy, we could not speak nor follow. She pried us till we spoke up. She was a school teacher by profession and knew how to get children to listen and follow.
"ah..mira, este es una manzana. Say it man-zan-a. ah.."
She continued through the picture book till it was time she believed we had learned enough for the day. She was always insistent and felt her on duty to be with us was top priority. So much so, she wanted to raise us herself.
"Oh no, those are mi hijo's kids. I can do much better raising them." she onced mentioned.
My mom, at first thought it fair to have our abuela in our life, along with our papi and his side of the family, but as time went on, with things unfolding for the worse, she thought it best to leave them all behind.
"Let me see their stomachs."
"Ay Dios Mio, they are eating too much."
"Open. Let me see your mouths."
She became an overprotective counterpart in which my mom wanted no part of.
"Those are my kids. Not yours."
They would have talk after talk of this continuing control.
"I'm bringing them to church. They'll need their coats. I don't want them to catch a cold because the church can be a little cold."
It was summer! My mom, at that time, leaned and gave in. Abuela took us to her home and made breakfast. I remember it being a strange combination of lemon and oatmeal and something else, I can't recall, but mi gamela and I were nautious after.
"Is not true ninas. Esta bien. Ok hurry, put your coats on. we don't want to be late."
Recollecting the dimly lit church with maroon walls and cherry oak seats where we sat and stood as the choir sang hymns, we were given little strawberry hard candies and sat quiet. We were almost too timid, and felt like little crabs retreating in our shells. It was warm in the church. She insisted we keep our coats on. Winter coats mind you! By the time we got out, our faces were starting to look pastel, changing with various shades. She paid no mind to it and drove us home safely to my mom's. My mom opened the car door, relieved that her kids were home. A small fountain of whitish mix came out of me like I had been punched in the stomach. We had fevers and we were sweating like trapped pigs. Furious wasn't the word as she swung each of her kids up, she marched away with one under each arm and hip. Abuela was trying, she demanded it was not her fault. My mom and her had different opinions on raising kids and never got along. After she decided to end it completely with my pa, so did she the family. Mi gamela and I would not reep ties with our Boricua family again till our late teenage years, where it was time for us, as young adults to decide for ourselves. I don't blame my mom. She was our mother and wanted the best life for us and could not reconcile a truce with our abuela or any of my Boricua family because of her knowledge of truth. She saw it, and when it was no good and felt it was a hazard for her kids, she didn't want no part of it. Her mind was made up and was stubborn and stuck to it. Now I have learned that both sides were stubborn and if really coming to a halfway point, there could have been a truce, but My mom saw the bad and stuck to her decision. I love the way I was raised and the complete enjoyment of my mom, but I knew for our sake, she had to protect her kids. Over time there was something missing. And we later found our way back to our Boricua roots again. We got to know each other again and saw the past was the past and old things good and bad could be polished and made new again. It was meant to be this way. All about responsibilities and who could handle them, clearly my mom was right. Now mi papi and I have a good communicative relationship because we our adults. We email and we send cards and we talk once in a while, since he lives in another state. My mom has softend the bend to the cast iron hold she once had. My papi was trying to be apart of our lives, he had before but it was within our own time that we could see for ourselves what this man was about. Not talking to my Boricua family, my mom remains as a cowboy in the range, sticking to her guns, staying in her territory. My abuela and my Boricua family never understood why such a grudge. Oh well, some things never change..
Now back to learning espanol..

Day 15 o El Dia Quince

She is Born

She is a Kapok tree uprooted.
fruits and nuts lie homeless, accessible
wrapped in palm leaves and elm,
she is sewn together.
coconut milk resides within,
slowly sinking it's way into the orange sands
of Maunabo
A sun setting off the Atlantic
but wakens with the roosters' call.
Seeds whisked from the winds of Rio Piedras
land on American shores.
Her heart hues with brillance of a Maga flower,
opening happily to the sounds of coquis.
Nights of salsa and mirangue move her body
As a meal,
she is of pan and white bread
of arroz and pasta
a basket mixed of Golden Sweet Apples and Rhubarb
Of Canepas and Guayabas
a beverage of coquito and egg nog.
In luminous air,
a colorful Taino rainbow mist by the rain
American Pie
Puerto Rican Pride
Dry soil
Born
Her branches want to reach free
to further see
replant her roots
in moist soil
and refine her glee
She is
Born again..


by
Amber L.
copywritten 2009

Day 13 o el Dia trece

The phone rang. It was Margarita.
"Hey nena, what's up?"
She told me she was going to a dance gig for a cumbia band and they needed another dancer. I was down. When we arrived it was a Salvodorean restaurant. We made our way to the stage with eyes glancing and gazing. It was not what we particularly had in mind. Our black mini skirts swayed as we walked by tables. A hint of shyness was there and a provocative sway was missing. It was a 21 year old's party with family and young kids around. We were being watched with awareness and jealous eyes. We didn't want to seem like divas, so we became sweet and careful. The aroma in the air was familiar. The people were familiar and I was remembering pockets of my past where I hung out with my boricua freinds at the mom and pop shops. At the barber shops, at the dances, at the Spanish clubs. It was all familiar. Four years of living in Los Angeles from the east coast, I felt out of place, I felt lost. My freind Margarita was from Guatemala with a hard knocks attitude that was familiar. She was the closest thing to my freinds from the east coast and she made me feel comfotable and fit in. I missed the east coast, I missed the Puerto Rican culture and I felt myself ask, where are all the boricuas at. I wished I had met a few, I wished there were more out here, but there are, I just haven't looked in the right places.
So Margarita and I started are performance and the singer sang covers as we sasheyd our hips and legs and motioned our arms fluidly. My confidence shined and I felt Puerto Rican again.
"Suavemente, besame.."
by this time my face was covered in sweat like an icy vail and my heart was beating faster than the conga drums in the songs. I used my cintura and muevete'd my hips and shook my body as if I were a maraca. My curly hair tossed as I turned and cumbia'd my way to and from in my tight circle. He sang to me, he sang to her, he invited family members to join on stage to dance. Latinos have this joy when la musica latina of cumbia, salsa, mirengue or tropicala is performed. They always smile as if someone just told a joke and the joy inside of them shows like a happy lantern on a summer night. I was home. At least inside.
Different family members came and went off the stage and when it was intermission, they sang happy birthday.
"Cumpleanos feliz! Cumpleanos feliz!..."
I had learned how easy it was to listen to the song and how easy the words sounded. I could now sing happy birthday. I was listening. I was grasping the words. I thought about it. And before, in the past I would just let the spanish get in my head like a muffled ear piece, ignoring the inclination, pronunciation of each word. It was just clutter when I heard it. And if I had only payed attention to the spanish, I probably would have had a better time with it. Now, since writing my blog, everyday shares a new experience. This blog helps me pay attention. It makes me curious enough to learn, to find out what this meant or what that meant in espanol. To discover something new everyday of being Puerto Rican, finding excitement in a latin culture.
"Buenas noches, gracias por todo, cuidate."
That's about all I could say in espanol as we left the restaurant. I thanked Margarita for the gig and that we should go to more latin places. That she new me as mixed, as half, as white but I shared with her my passion for being Puerto Rican too and that I wanted to role play with her and start gaining the confidence to speak spanish. She is the closest of my homegirls who is latina and has a comfortableness that I could be myself around her and feel accepted as Puerto Rican. Yet inside I know she knows me as half and I understand. It is hard for latinos to accept someone as a whole when they don't even speak spanish or speak some. I was trying and am. I shared my story of my blog of Seeking La Otra Mitad and she smiled and went on talking, going on as if we were on a walk, stepping past something that was left there. But I was serious and we went on talking, I drove and the night was behind us as the conversation was about Seeking La Otra Mitad.

Day 6 o el Dia seis

As I sit here in my kitchen in the cool evening in Los Angeles, continuing my project aprender espanol y la musica, I watch an interview with Ivy Queen.
"Just because you have tatoos and piercings on the outside, I'm still a sweet person and an intelligent woman."

Why do people judge a book by it's cover or label someone by their outward appearance? Her mind and heart, she still cries, she still argues and she still had to prove her way to where she is now. She changed many styles and went through many phases, such as we all do. Now as I decide to continue seeking la otra mitad, I find many Puerto Ricans fascinating! It would be a sound that catches one's ear or a look that catches an eye. As I am hooked and reeled in, I find what's coming to me on the other end, not knowing exactly why I am being pulled, but I took the bate and have that curiosity to connect with it and research it. Ivy Queen's voice and genre of music and look all interest me,since growing up on the east coast. She is who she is and remains true to herself and original to the flavor that comes along in her music. She throws on the gloves and gets out there to battle. I love that true strength that she brings, a true Urbana Puerto Riquena. It's as with anyone who looks or has a certain style that we are curious to learn more. Why do we judge and who is to say we can put a finger or name on anyone? Being half Puerto Rican and half white, not knowing fully the language doesn't make me go..o well I am American and I'll leave it at that, I can't speak or learn spanish now. no. There's more, there is more lava that is waiting to spew out of the volcano.

Like Ivy Queen, that goes through many phases and styles as an artist, who was said that she didn't have the look or was told that the type of music she chose wasn't for her, can still change and become who she wants. She can still be intelligent and throw the shots in her life as an individual. I can still learn and see it through. I can become mas Boricua. Then even, if I may sound funny or start changing slightly con mas sabor and the people that know me say why are you doing that? Why are you starting to act that way..I can honestly say.. Who Cares!

Day 4 o el Dia cuatro

My eyes circled the cans and containers of seasoning in the cabinet like a hawk gliding in the sky to keep hovering over the land, concentrating on choosing it's prey. My hand pressed and fingers stepped upon the woodstained finish, closing then reopening the cabinet doors, back and forth, figuring.
"What do I want to have."
"What do I feel like?"

My eyes bounced, figuring, "What is really going to fit me today? What do I have an appetite for and would savor?"

"Ahh"! Eso!"

My sight caught the Adobo seasoning and delighted. Arroz con habichuelas it is!

It is in delight and what we yearn for, that brings us to understanding of ourselves. One morning in the kickbox class of the martial arts studio, mi gemela was just beginning to stretch after a long 3 mile walk to the studio. That was one of her passions that fed her appetite so she didn't mind walking from our house all the way to the studio every Saturday to join kickboxing class. The road less traveled yet curious enough to dare the consequences! Being physicaly fit was something she felt like doing, she felt like having, like our daily choices for food. The class began and they did their routine. A woman, tan with the hint of cocoa colored skin noticed and remembered. There was a resemblance to her neice. The black curly hair, the nose small with ethnic curve, the Tirado forehead, the eyes like a green muddy sea. Could it be? That combination could only belong to two people she knew. It was mi Tia! After all the time had passed, through fate, there was mi gamela and tia again together. From 5 years old and being seperated, it was la otra mitad coming to la otra mitad! Finally at the age of 19 we would begin to see and know our otra mitad de la familia. After that day we grew like a grape vine.
One day in mi tia's kitchen, she prepared our first meal which was like "our daily bread" in Puerto Rico. The air was thick with vapors of oil and bubbling water with a pinch of this and a pinch of that.
"There is not much to learn. This is simple, yet it is technique that you must get down."
As she scurried about performing her act and orchestrating her band, she slipped the sliced plantains into the oil and took the browned ones out, pressing them firmly enough to squeeze out excess oil.
"Now watch platanos becomes tostones."
Then she stirred the pot of boiling rice.
"See not too much agua. Just a little over the top."
She went on orchestrating, adding the beans, sofrito, tomatoe sauce. I didn't look. I was consumed with what they were trying to say in the novelas on tv. My mind was putting together words like a puzzle that didn't fit or were not the right shape for the other connecting peice. I wasn't paying attention and before you knew it, the aroma came in like a careless spirit finding it's way to my nose, awakening my senses.
One voice was echoed as if in the distance and the second rang like a school bell and I was alarmed.
"Ok tia! Yea! it's ready?"
"Si, esta lista! Buen Provecho!"

As mi gamela y yo began to taste the 3 spoonfuls in, "tia, what is in this, how is it so good! Please write the recipe!"
"Ok a pinch of jamon and you going to add..."
"Wait, tia, what is jamon?"
"Ham"

At a young age of our introverted selves of 13, we became vegetarians. At 22 now, we were freaking out. "O my God tia, I'm sorry we can't eat no more."
My poor tia, worked so hard and dressed this comida with love and daring delight, only to get shot down by the twin bomber!
Knowing and accepting was tricky. Yes it had meat in this fantastic dish, yes it was Puerto Rican, yes it was the traditional way of making it and yes we were vegetarians now, giving up meat so young.

"But it's only a pinch used for seasoning!"
"But it was still meat, still an animal, we don't eat animals!"
My tia's eyes rolled.
"Aye, aye, aye! But you guys,,,now are being really difficult!"

We stood there in the midst of silence, unspoken words, thoughts floated above our heads and we were sorry. We would just have to learn to make our rice and beans together without jamon. The pot sat their and cooled over time like a rock that the sun set away from, cooling to a still hard leftover in the night.

Growing up American, had freedom of choice, with compassion in our hearts, animals were our freinds and we could never make a choice to cook pollo frito or anytype of dish made with an animal that was living before. Even my mom, who is white ate meat but knew her kids had made a decision to cut that out of their diets so that was that.
Yes seeking to be more boricua had it's challenges in the food department but we had our choice.

Today I had craved arroz con habichuelas and remembered back to that day 8 years ago in mi tia's kitchen. Feeling bad, not accepting to continue to eat her arroz con habichuelas because of el jamon but knowing that everything in life being it Puerto Rican or American wasn't always going to be the norm in making up who we are.
Recipes have their ingredients as we individually have our makeups and hangups, the things that combine make up who we are. We have choices, but we feel, inside of us that we need or crave something, such as mi gamela and her working out, it led her, in fate to meet my tia again since we were astranged from my father's side of the family for so long and it is the sense that brings about a calling in the air, to bring welcoming things in our lives. Not knowing but going on instinct and following it is key. I sit here typing away, sharing and finishing my 2nd page of wanting to know and seek my Puerto Rican side. I have gone over the 3 chapters to the Living Language book again, so I am covering los basicos of greetings, asking for information and the time, going over the lyrics of "Dime" by Ivy Queen, I wanted to get it right, still continuing poco a poco. Their is still so much to tell, yet this helps me stay with learning the language, and it is like food that we have a craving inside of us for a certain thing, yearning, needing the statisfication of being full with what we felt like having. I am hungry for a dose of espanol in my life, the language, the culture, the music and wanting to see it cooked so I can prepare it to eat!

Day 1 o el dia uno

Growing up with what you missed can sometimes be a good thing. You just have to try harder to find it and sometimes it can be more interesting that way. When things are often handed to you, you most often take them for granted until later on in life of course when you start to realize what life and it's meanings are meant to you. Inside each one of us lies an unopened discovery incubating waiting to be explored. I for example am a curious, creative person that has continuous blocks and stops with the thought of the actual act. Doing is key and often I think too much and not do or get around to it. This blog is a start, day by day. It seems when we are younger, we can do things without care and embrace learning and absorb it so much more quickly. As we get older it just seems there are more blocks that ourselves, we put up. Well no more. Here is my start.
To rediscover myself as a poet and lyricist, I must go back to my roots. I am half Puerto Rican and White. I grew up with my mom who is white and mi papa es Puerto Riqueno. Both seperated when I was 5. Of course being in a band and being a rockero, having kids and a family wasn't exactly the type of life my father had intended to have. He was born for it. He could play the electric guitar like Jimmy Hendrix and Santana. No one knew where his passion came from since he came from a very stict household. His mom, mi abuela, was religious and strict and declared no type of that music would go on in the household. A mind of endless creation, my dad was gifted. No kids for him...ever! Then my mom had us, si yo tengo gemela, tambien, pero my dad was a free spirit so he went rocking and rolling himself in lala land while my poor mami had to struggle. A lion hunting, guarding and living all to have her kids a good life. I am so proud and blessed to have a mom like her. We grew up until about 5, where my mom had had it with my father's messing around and not settleing down along with mi abuela wanting to raise us for her own, my mom cut off the side of my dad's family and raised us.
English, english english from that point on until I got into middle school on up and I started learning "spanglish". I always talked very soft and slow, made fun of alot, so I couldn't speak spanish with much confidence. But my Boriqua freind, Cristy, taught me the ropes, we would start going out to parties with all Dominicans and Puerto Ricans and I learned Bachata, Mirengue and some salsa. I fell inlove with reggaeton and salsa and Bachata. I knew inside of me there was mas latina just steaming outside of me, boiling from the inside. I looked more Boriqua than white, I felt it, but was I? The language...people would say..oh but I thought you were Puerto Rican? Well I am, at least half, at least I feel more towards Boriqua than the other way. And I would say well you can call me a Bostorican if that's good enough for you. (since I'm from Mass) Anyways, I fit in just fine and gathered mostly Puerto Rican and Black freinds. I didn't hang out with white people that much, I never felt I could fully be myself if they wern't real enough or street enough..I know sounds funny but hey..
Anyways, this discovery incubating inside me for so long needs to be explored. It has been too long and I am young enough now to discover it and explore the cracks and crevices and at least try to stick with something and finish it!
Since I know some basics and street spanish already, I am starting with the Living Language book I have here in mi casa from a class I was taking, and I am reading already up to the third chapter. So there is my grammar. And what I am doing is learning spanish through song! I here a song I like in spanish and I get the lyrics and practice it. I give homage to Ivy Queen! Just hearing her makes me interested. So I am studying the lyrics and singing it so I can get the Boricua flavor added into my speaking and into my soul. I think this is a very interesting way for me to combine song and spanish to learn my roots..and all together start knowing what la musica latina is saying! Lol...ok well here I go..I will report back in a few days, if not tomorrow night..