el dia algo

Since March 15, I have not wrote. Life gets hectic and your off the bandwagon again. I have titled this "Day something.." for counting all the days of learning mi espanol have spilled all into one muddy puddle being stepped in everyday. To be an individual is hard at times. Not getting caught up with what everyone else is doing, being hot, following what's in and what's cool. Being a poetic spirit and being the blacksheep of my freinds, is a challenge within itself. I love that I am unique, sometimes living like a hermit or liking books and nerdy things too much. My freinds are hot latinas hustlin' everyday, paving there way. Some model and act, others work hard to pay the bills.
"Let's go out!"
Every weekend, they'd say. Temptation is so hard sometimes, when you really just want to stay in.
"Ok, where are we going tonight?"
I'd give in. Then when I'm out there, I realized, staying succluded most of the time is not a good thing. Let me be more social! Insanity cries out from within a hollow, dark echo. I love my life, my writing, my lyrical writing. So why am I not there yet? These big logs of timber roll in my path and I lose my footing. I am a strong, independent female! Jesus and my work and my gym and my freinds. I am still here in my apartment counting the days when I am paying half my rent. My lease is up and I have decided, by God's good grace that I shall find a nice room in a house that is of course, peace, quiet and private. That is when I can afford to take lessons in espanol to complete my project of Seeking La Otra Mitad. I am in and out and all over. Staying focused is my light in the fog, guiding me to learn it, to discover it, to maintain it. I am here but also there...till next time..ciao..

Day 115 o el Dia ciento quince

I don't know what the spanish sayings say about hard times and miracles and breaks, but I got one positive thing, and that's my computer back. I haven't written in the longest and a part of me felt a drift in the darkness, vague and construed, slowly drifting down the drain, giving up fighting the current. Poets are amongst the most profoundly feeling cursed people on earth. We "think" too much and are often "inside" ourselves alot. We translate every part of beauty and pain into metaphors and word pictures and paintings in our minds. Our words paint you a picture of a thought, an image, a place, the torment, the struggle, the love. My prayers fell short and I missed my laptop. and now I am back from the brink of destruction. Just a little, no, let's not go that far. But I am still on my focus and planning on how to learn more with the little time I have per week. Since working two jobs, being home often late, gives me little time to write or think straight. I love this, these words, these thoughts I am able to share out in cyber space, the culture. Not losing my roots. A Puerto Rican on the West Coast is muy differente que on the East Coast, still don't feel el sabor boricua out here on the West yet, but I'm putting together a plan. The past two weeks, Iv'e been seeing mi panna David, Mexicano, and he has been video editing and djing for years. We have been wanting together to start our music for the longest and we are starting to finally crack down and do it. I am so excited because God has opened the gates to allow me to do my music again. I still don't have a myspace or Facebook yet and feel like the only one that is writing a blog but not even have a myspace or facebook. To tell you la verdad, I don't really want to show my personal life on the internet. I'd rather have an artist page up with poetic photos and songs, an artist page. I am still learning my spanish gradually and loving it. I can't wait also to share my music with anyone who would be interested..pues, nos vemos próximo tiempo..

Day 90 o el Dia noventa

Ay Dios Mio! Por fin! Tanto tiempo! Life hands you a few cards that are hard to deal with! My laptop recently got a virus that didn't want to be removed! I tried everything and it's ka-put! I haven't been able to write for the longest, but I'm still trucking at the game. Para el dia de San Valentin I had my faithful freinds around me the whole day. Margarita barbecued for a few of us girls and we splashed around the pool like locacitas and laughed and forgot that we were without men. We had each other and at night went out with some of my other freinds who surprised me with a big red basket with a heart of candy, a stuffed animal and lotion. The card read beautiful and it made my heart at ease. All my freinds made having no "love" valentine a bigger, better valentine with alot of love. I would proudly say my mom and Jesus are my Valentine instead. As the days passed on, I am still into my books,studying away. I think I need to go deeper. A class, a one on one maestro, a more strict study habit. Yet I find myself understanding more and more everyday. Mi passion para aprender espanol is not fading! Well, todo mi gente..nos vemos..

Day 77 o el Dia sesentasiete

My eyes glazed with shimmering glitter as I looked into him, telling my story of when the hurricane touched down in Puerto Rico that one fine September. I spoke with mi papi chulo co-worker about my vacation to Puerto Rico many years back. It was my first trip being in Puerto Rico, visiting the island. It must have been 2006. I was with my ex, who was Puerto Rican, and he brought me there for one week. It's ironic how storms can add a rest and peace after it has passed. Just like in our lives. Many upheavels bring us back down, reality and appreciation of the simple things we have, los basicos, humble us again. There had been a tropical storm that knocked down telephone poles and left the water system down. We had to live without running water and electricity for the first 2 nights. Heat wasn't an issue, since Puerto Rico was so humid already. My ex's aunt was so courteous and kind. I'd finish not even half my plate and she'd come in with an overspilling spoon of more arroz con gandules.

"Ambi, you like?"

Of course my name was Amber but in Puerto Rico, there was not too many islanders named Amber. That was an American name. So I let her proceed and let her call me that.

"Si, muchas gracias para tu comida! Tan Rico! Gracias por todo!"

I tried. I listened. I followed. It was wonderful. With just the simplest things we had, candlelight and love. Who could ask for more! As the night cooled serenely, so did our plates and the coffee that was offered so many times throughout the day. That woman could do no resting. From 5 am, sunrise when the animal alarm clock rose the dead every morning, that woman was up. Breakfast, sweeping, cleaning, laundry, keeping with the chickens, dishes, garden..almost any type of chore kept that woman going. She was like a machine! Her whole life was spent in the home. Taking care of her husband and children. She loved her life in the neon tiled spanish house. She knew no other. The outside world to her was watching tv and seeing what went on through Las Noticias y las novelas y otra programas. She was content. One afternoon we took her to Denny's in Aguadilla and she was so used to serving that it was hard for her to sit there and not be the one on the serving end.

"Just relax, here, you order from the menu. Mira..aqui"

My ex spoke to her assuredly that that was the way to order food. Her eyes skipped and squinted. She didn't know how to read. A simple woman of the house, sheltered from anything else. Her body language spoke aloud of awkwardness and unsure and not used to. She was out of her element. In the simplest things that Americans in the modern age take with everyday life to just apart of, she wasn't apart of that. Restaurants were a luxury, but to her, a "can do without" on her list. She'd rather stay home and cook. The night came about and we said "Your coming with us."
I had dressed in a silky swaying skirt and top, ready to salsa and mirangue with mi novio and wore a smile ready to shine a dance floor. As we approached in our rental car, the streets were dirt and rock and horses were tied to posts in front of the club. Outside, the dancefloor had only a slab roof to cover and open all around. The band had left and the dj began playing la musica latina. We danced a few songs, and within those songs, my hair had lost all control, gel evaporated by the humid air. Mis rizos bounced light and fluffy.

"Ven, Ven, Baila conmigo!"

My ex pulled his aunt out of the chair she was planted in. Yes she was older, but she was able. She clearly then was not used to anything to do with outside her comfort zone of the home let alone a dancefloor. She tried half a song and then let me and my ex take the rest of the night. We got home and she was in bed by minutes. It's funny how people live differently. How maybe we would think of never being a homemaker for a living or tending to the housewife lifestyle. How some are business men and woman, career oriented. Others after material gain or the hippie life, not a care in the world where there backpack will land. We all live a lifestyle that we are happy with. His aunt always catered her whole life to her family. It's what drove her. It's what gave her life meaning and caring and passion. She couldn't rest for long because she didn't want to. It was part of her routine. Imagine, though, if we just all took a little time to just stop, breathe and let it all sink in. The nature, the silkyness in the breeze, the taste, the smell of what life in this world offers, the simple. The two nights without all the worldly moderns brought us back to love and enjoying the simple..

Day 71 o el Dia sesenta uno

I carefully placed the batteries into the recorder and tickled with excitement as I pushed the buttons to record. My recorder had worked swell after all. As I heard my voice on the other end talk out loud, I became aware and awed. I knew what I needed to work on now that I spoke the sentences outloud in spanish. My rrrr's needed work and words needed speed. But I was pleasently surprised at myself to hear how well I sounded. I had that Boricua sabor sprinkled on it. Hey, I thought, this is fun! I have been doing that now for 3 nights, right before I go to bed. Habits are formed, they just don't happen. So now it becomes apart of my routine. Although I work two jobs and squeeze in anytime I can find, it is still a challenge. Remembering how to say certain things and getting stuck, mental blocks. I try and am faithful to the learning process. Poco a poco.

"Rafael, I'm going to your church on Wednesday."
It was Tuesday evening at the real estate office. My co-agent was happy to hear that I wanted to go to his church. It was La Iglesia Bautista Hispana de Hollywood. The little quaint church sat on a side street in Hollywood with doors open, ready to service. It was all spanish and understood bits and peices. I said to Rafael, "You are going to have to translate this." Oracion he told me is to be in prayer. I understood "Por Gloria de Jesus" y "Bendiciones" y "Gracias a Dios" y "Gracias Senor". It was a different experience. Singing canciones en esapnol to Praise the almighty. The words fell easy on my tongue and my mouth knew how to shape them. At least I knew how to read and pronounce the words, of course not understanding some, but proud that I understood most of the song. We gathered in groups of prayer and an older lady started praying in Spanish aloud, while I kneeled at the bench and bowed my head in prayer. I prayed some in spanish and most in english. God knew I was trying and he showed me. As I prayed, an uncontrolable gentle sway came over my entire body. I didn't open my eyes, just a slight, and there was no one moving the bench and no earthquake. I let the Holy Ghost proceed. It was a swaying, nothing forceful. My forehead became hot within an instant and then went. I knew this new church had a strong presense with the Lord. The Holy Spirit was really on me and knew it wanted me to know it was listening. As we finished, I felt touched. Our bible study was on Preparando al Soldado. When it was over we thanked everyone, a kind gentleman told me, this bible study really wasn't for you. As far as talking about evangelism goes.
"Dios te Bendiga, tenga buenas noches!"
The night had cooled like peppermint and we felt en paz. I was happy I had enough boldness to attend a Bible Study in spanish. It was fun and different. I learned that I need to really work on understanding my spanish. It is a work in progress, but when we have Faith, we have hope and trust in something we believe will work for us. Whether it be people, things, or circumstances. We all have hope in things unseen and that hope brings miracles to our lives, poco o grande. It's all now about making the time and concentrating to make it happen. Buenas noches...

Day 66 o el Dia sesentaseis

Una Vida Sin Cambio

Una paloma
takes flight in a state
of numbness as
in a coma
Bodega dreams
en la noche
keep them awake
restless
keeping
mind
what the next day
will bring
de todas las sorpresas
same time
los madrugadores
awake with traces
of worry and contempt
downtrodden and bent
left in boroughs
dreams buried deep in sorrow
work and work to no life spent
in enjoyment
quieren tomar vuelo
to another world
without fenc-es..
They dreamed one day
They believed one day
They hoped one day
They prayed that day
would come without fenc-es
e'xito y libertdad
but I guess it wasn't in
they're destiny's best
inter-est..
so they existed
es su verdad
as they were
sin cambiar
es su verdad, es su verdad..
sin cambiar

--Amber L.
copywritten 2010

Day 64 o el Dia sesentacuatro

Fasted for 6 days, even gave up cafe! The church service that week was impactful, I was full of Grace and clear visioned. I felt the weaknesses and strengths arise to the surface as if it were raining for 7 days and 7 nights on dry California land, bringing things out from deep within. It brought about a new light to my life and it's understanding. Friday, I rushed after work to the post office to see if mi musica Cristiana cds had arrived yet. Daniel Calveti's wasn't there yet but the album, "Te Dare Lo Mejor, en vivo" by Jesus Adrian Romero was there inside my mailbox. I was on my 5th day fasting, at that time and was so thrilled to listen so it could give me more of Praise. It was my journey also in learning mas espanol. Iv'e been listening to it now for a straight week and understand or have translated most of the songs. My spanish seems to be getting better! Raining all week long here in Los Angeles was high time for work and gym and home for me. It gave me focus to be alone. Here day and night alone. Sometimes so alone with several light sighs and soft breathes of sadness and longing in my chest. Women, young ladies, like myself, Latinas most certainly have a hard time being alone. A heart full of passion and care and thought. A body of movement like a slick snake and gallant and majestic like a galloping staillion. It gets hard sometimes wanting someone to love. Someone who fits me, who is my style, my taste, my match. A kind that is like a pair of well made shoes, binding and well worn, kept up through time. I long for that, but it is in God's time, since I am trusting him. If more of us made better decisions with choosing one another and with patience and sacrifice, we would find someone good eventually. We just don't take the time. We want everything quick. We feel too much. And we let our emotions lead over our mind. We are scared to be alone for too long, because, "Oh, God forbid we be alone, we might have to face ourselves" and so many really never face themselves. They keep jumping one relationship to the next, hoping to fulfill the emptiness they feel inside themselves. It never works and they always find themselves lost, searching, searching for an answer they will never find unless they take the time to know their strengths and weaknesses. I am truly happy that I am working on little things of myself that I had let go and drown in pockets of deep puddles through these years. I have found myself in Faith, not fear and have pressed forward. Things I have procrastinated throughout the years have become a thing of the past. Maxell audio cassette, recorder, Living Language Beginners book and a neon green notebook, just newly bought with unwritten pages. Inner peace, joy, an excitement, a curiosity, an unforgetting. Me, my pencil and my poetic hand ready to write mis pensamientos diarios en español .